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THE RIGHT TO CONFESS The CIA, the FBI, and the Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD) are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later dragging a badly beaten bear. The bear is screaming, "Okay, okay! I'm a RABBIT!! I'm a RABBIT!!" THE HORSE AND THE CHICKEN A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm, but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Porsche back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward, saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again, and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my penis and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety. The moral of the story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Porsche to pick up chicks So which condom would you use....? Nike Condoms: Just do it. Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling. Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby. Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop. Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker. Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing. Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman. Macintosh Condom: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple. Ford Condoms: The best never rest. Chevy Condoms: Like a rock. Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did? New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey - you never know. California Lotto Condoms: Who's next? Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever. KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good. Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing. Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one. Campbell's Soup Condoms: Mmm, mmm, good. General Electric Condoms: We bring good things to life! AT&T Condoms: Reach out and touch someone. Bounty Condoms: The quicker picker upper. Microsoft Condoms: Where do you want to go today? Energizer Condoms: It keeps going and going and going.... M&M condom: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands! Taco Bell Condoms: Get some; make a run for the border. MCI Condoms: For friends and family Doublemint Condoms: Double your pleasure, double your fun! The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter. Delta Airlines Condoms travel pack: Delta is ready when you are. United Airlines Condoms travel pack: Fly United. The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before. THE CREATION OF A PUSSY Seven wise men with knowledge so fine, created a pussy to their design. First was a butcher, with smart wit, using a knife, he gave it a slit, Second was a carpenter, strong and bold, with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole, Third was a tailor, tall and thin, by using red velvet, he lined it within, Fourth was a hunter, short and stout, with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without, Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell, threw in a fish and gave it a smell, Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee, touched it and blessed it, and said it could pee, Last was a sailor, dirty little runt, he sucked it and fucked it, and called it a cunt. MEMORANDUM It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers, therefore, a list of preferred new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.
Preferred Phrase
* Old Phrase
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Perhaps I can work late
* When the fuck do you expect me to do this?
I'm certain that is not feasible
* No fucking way
Really?
* You've got to be shitting me
Perhaps you should check with ...
* Tell someone who gives a shit
Of course I'm concerned
* Ask me if I give a shit
I wasn't involved in that project
* Its not my fucking problem
That's interesting behavior
* What the fuck?!?!
I'm not sure I can implement this
* Fuck it, it won't work
I'll try to schedule that
* Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?
Are you sure this is a problem
* Who the fuck cares?
He's not familiar with the problem
* He's got his head up his ass
Excuse me sir?
* Eat shit and die motherfucker
So you weren't happy with it?
*Kiss my ass
I'm a bit overloaded at this moment
* Fuck it, I'm on salary
I don't think you understand
* Shove it up your ass
I love a challenge
* This job sucks
You want me to take care of that?
* Who the hell died and made you boss?
I see
* Blow me
Yes, we really should discuss it
* Another fucking meeting!!!!
I don't think this will be a problem
* I really don't give a shit
He's somewhat insensitive
* He's a fucking prick
She's an aggressive go getter
* She's a ball busting bitch
I think you could use more training
* You don't know what the fuck you're doing
Bitter men say the cutest things. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was nearly impossible. A man complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman ... then ... pow! ... it was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "Awww, my wife found out." Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful. Bitter women say the cutest things. Men are like coolers - Load them up with beer and you can take them anywhere. Men are like plungers - They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or in the bathroom. Men are like chocolate bars - sweet, smooth, and they usually head straight for your hips. Men are like coffee - The best ones are rich, warm and can keep you going all night long. Men are like computers - Hard to figure out and never enough memory. Men are like horoscopes - They always tell you what to do and usually they are wrong. Why is it hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking? Because those men already have boyfriends. Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are all pigs. Who is Jack Schitt? The Lineage Revealed Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, you don't know Jack Schitt. Now, you can handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and Oh Schitt. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, the twins-Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, and Bull Schitt. Against his parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loada Schitt and they produced a mongoloid son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood, and consequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the pro digal son, left home to tour the world. he recently returned with his new bride, Pisa Schitt. The New Priest A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:
"The Karate Dog" Harold's new job had him working really late. He decides to get his wife a watchdog. He goes to the pet store and asks for a doberman. The employee said, "If its a guard dog you want I have a dog just for you." The man walks to the back of the store to get a dog and comes back with a little poodle. Harold says, "This small thing, a watch dog? You're kidding, right?" The employee says, "No, this dog is special; he knows karate." "Karate? I don't believe it," Harold says. The employee puts the dog down and says, "Karate the sign." And he points to a sign advertising dog food. The dog runs up and rips the sign to shreds. Harold is amazed at this. The employee then says, "Karate the chair." And he points to a chair in the corner. The dog runs up and rips the chair to shreds. By now Harold is convinced. "I'll take him," he says. When he gets home he surprises his wife and she yells out, "This little thing, a watch dog? No way." Harold says, "But this dog knows karate." "Karate," she yells. "Karate my ass!" Nose Pick List Deep Salvage Pick Reminiscent of the deep sea exploration to find the Titanic ship, you probe deep into your nasal passages. Utensil Pick When fingers, and even your thumb, just aren't enough to get the job done to your satisfaction. Extra Pick When you have been digging for nuggets hours upon hours and suddenly you hit the jackpot! Excitement only equaled by winning the lottery. Depression Pick When your sad, and the only way to fill the void is to pick so hard and fast that the agony overcomes your feeling of remorse and depression. Pick A Lot What we would call abnormal amounts of picking. Anything in the three digit realm we consider a bit too much for a 24 hour time frame. Kiddie Pick When you're by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom. And the best part is, there's no time limit! Camouflaged Kiddie Pick When, in the presence of other people, you wrap your forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the smile. Fake Nose Scratch When you make believe you've got an itch but you're really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers. Making A Meal Out Of It You do it so furiously, and for so long, you're probably entitled to dessert. Surprise Pickings When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurling out of your nose, and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt. Autopick The kind you do in a car, when no one's looking. Also can mean automatic pick, the one you do when your not even thinking about it, at work, while talking to a co-worker, during a meeting.... Pick Your Brains Done in private, this is the one where your finger goes in so far, it passes the septum. Pick And Save When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and then you pocket the snot so they don't catch on to what you did. Pick And Flick Snot now becomes a weapon against your sister and others in range around you. Pick And Stick You wanted it to be a "Pick and Flick," but it stubbornly clings to your fingertip. Pipe Cleaner Pick The kind where you remove a piece of snot so big, it improves your breathing by 90%. Asscons... We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where :) means a smile and :( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by :-) and :-( respectively. Well, how about some "asscons"? Here goes: You have been e-mooned! |
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